I am really missing Sonya today. This is the first time in 13 years I will not see her on my birthday.
I large piece of my heart is now in heaven. I really miss you, Sonya.
Please consider giving to the GoFundMe we have setup for Sofia (Sonya)’s daughter Clara. https://gofund.me/e1bc747b
I need to find a way to get past the overwhelming moments of anxiety and grief I am having every day. They are ripping me apart inside. It has been impossible for me to study. I can’t even complete simple everyday tasks.
I have been really missing Sonya the last few days. I even broke down yesterday afternoon and cried for the first time in about a week. I think a lot of it has been that I have been really worried about Clara’s future. I have also been trying to arrange to have Sonya’s car shipped back to Illinois from Florida. It is not as costly as I thought it would be, but trying to get her keys released by the investigator has been difficult because I can’t reach her.
Yesterday was a very emotional day. I had to take Clara to the doctor for the first time since her mom past. Having to update Clara files to list her mom as deceased and add Tonya and I on as her guardians hit Clara extremely hard. I knew I was going to need to make the changes and I wanted to do it behind her back, but the register called her over.
This morning was not any better because as of today Sonya has been gone for one month. Which both feels like it can’t have been that long, and it must be longer at the same time.
However, tonight Clara and I had a good time. We set up her new computer, we watched MHS The Wiz from my freshman year, and we just talked. I really love the kid and I would give her the world if I could.
I don’t know why, but I have been waking up at 3 A.M. on the dot almost every night and I can’t figure this out why. On some nights I can get back to sleep normally after an hour or two, on other nights like last night I can’t.
In fact, last night I had at most 3 hours of sleep, and I have been going nonstop all day and it is about 10:30 P.M. and I am still not tired. Where has this ability been hiding?
I thought I was finally past the crying, but right now I have tears pouring down my cheeks. It not just missing Sonya it is also the fear I am going to lose Clara from my life too or that I will not be able to protect her.
I don’t even know if Clara wants me in her life. I just know I love her like she is my own daughter and I need to be her advocate and protector. I could not protect her mom I need to protect Clara.
I just realized there are no photos of Sonya, Clara, and I. I really miss you My Little Butterfly.
I just got home from the funeral, and I really don’t have the ability to write anything right now. I will just say that I was amazed by the number of people who came and that this was the worst night of my life.
I love you My Little Butterfly and I know you know how much I love Clara. I will always be there for her; I will be her advocate and protector until I die and beyond if I can. Tonya, Sasha, Maria, and I will keep her safe and help guide her to the wonderful future she will have. We will all miss you.