I am currently sitting in a parking lot with my dad waiting for Clara’s bus from her work to arrive. I have been doing really well emotionally the last week, but a few moments ago, I broke down again. I really miss Sonya. I love you, My Little Butterfly.
Sorry the video comes to such an abruptly end. My dad opened the door to the van, which startled me a little, and I bumped the stop button. I have tried all day to re-record the video or record a second part, but I decided I had said almost everything I was ready to say on video at this time.
When I went to bed last night, I was sure that I would finally get some sleep, because a lot of the stress I have been under finally had some relief. Boy, was I mistaken. It took me hours to get to sleep and then I woke up at 3am and could not turn off my brain and get back to sleep. It was not one thing I was thinking about, but dozens of things.
I will try again tonight. Oddly I am expecting the anxiety will return at the end of the week even if just for a few days.
The last few days I have had almost no sleep because I am having major anxiety issues. What makes it worse is that I no longer have anyone in my life to talk to about things and that the anxiety I am currently experiencing is because the person I used to talk to is no longer with us. My head is going to explode.
I am extremely tired this morning and a bit emotional. Between pain in my right knee and a bit of stress I hardly slept last night and then while standing on my front porch this morning I just started to tear up. However, I am not going to let things get me down today. I have a lot of cleaning and preparing for Clara’s Sweet 16 Birthday on Saturday.
I do get to see Clara tonight, which I am really looking forward to.
If you are reading this post, then what I am about to talk about has already concluded or is far alone enough for me to feel safe to talk about it. That is because I have decided to hide the posts related to the guardianship fight for Clara until it is over. That way anything, I may say in posts related to this fight can’t be used by her birth father to attack my character.
So why make the posts in the first place if I am only going to hide it, because I am worried about them being found? Simply put I post to this blog to help me stay focused and to vent about everything that is going on in my life and the only person I 100% trusted with my feelings died on January 4th.
Last Thursday Tanya another one of Sonya close friends, who I am going to be co-parenting Sonya’s daughter Clara with, and I meet with our new lawyer to finalize our petition for guardianship of Clara and this morning the lawyer filed that petition with the court. Technically I will only be receiving temporary guardianship while we are in court and I will have stand by guardianship after Tanya receives full guardianship of Clara, but we have decided we are all in this together. I have loved Clara like my own daughter for 14 years and that love will never go away.
Laster this week Clara’s birth father will find out about our petition and thing may get interesting. I don’t want to talk negatively about her father, but what he would do to Clara scares me. He abandoned her when she was just two years old and has had little contact with her over the last 14 years. He had a lot of issues that would make him a bad and dangerous parent. Issues I am not going to post about at this time.